Blame
by hope4laughsxX
Summary: Jack? Broken down? Could it be possible? Why not? *Rated M for future chapter*
1. Prologue

Prologue

We were a story of passion.

A story of love.

Distant and perfect all in ourselves.

We balanced one another like a planet and it's moons.

Sometimes I even felt like our whole lives revolved around each other.

It was one of those things where the bad boy meets the _badder_ girl.

One of those disgusting love book that you wanna puke all over, and then brush away the vomit so you can keep on reading.

Just so you know that it all ends well.

And when it doesn't, you send it out an airlock because you wished they had lied to you.

Lies were always easiest.

Not that I'd ever admit to have read any of those things...

And me?

Well, I was one of _those_ girls.

Harsh and defiant.

Sentenced to a life of solitary confinement in my own tattooed skin.

Alone.

I was okay with that for a while.

I had built up that wall.

Pushed everyone I ever even considered _not_ killing...away.

Never really figured out it that was for my protection or theirs.

Sometimes it was both.

I was dangerous.

Engineered to be a weapon.

A _failed_ experiment.

An angry ball of fire.

Ready to explode on this miserable universe and take whomever she could down with her.

But _he_ was different...

Perfect.

Commanding and strong.

Holding me in place.

Taking my hand off the trigger.

Like stone in his unmoving passion.

I kept him away for as long as I could, before he finally broke through.

And fell over me like a tsunami.

Covering every inch of me in...him.

A beautiful...and _deadly_ wave of love and bliss.

_Alex._

_My_ Alex...

I can't close my eyes without seeing him, and my arms ache from not being around him.

My bed is empty...no..._our_ bed is empty.

This man I love...

The man who reminded me of my own humanity...

The one who saved me from myself...

Is...

_Dead..._

And it's **my** fault.


	2. Listen

_I'm not going to waste your time telling you about how I fought him. Not even going to bother trying to explain **why** I tried so hard to keep him away from me. Sure, I bet it would be helpful if I explained his and my redundant game of cat and mouse that we played with one another as we tried to figure out our growing attraction. I just need you to understand, that when we **did** come together...it was like two stones striking one another and a flame bursting from the rubble. Like lightning on water, pulsing through it for miles and miles until the energy had properly distributed itself. I **want** to explain every moment to you...because I know he's worth it...but I don't have the time. Or the energy. I'm fading away and soon...I'll be joining him in whatever "afterlife" there is in this universe. There has to be one...because my need for him isn't satisfied. It'll never be. But for now, all I have left are these memories...and I **know** I don't deserve them...so please...Just listen. I first realized I wanted him, when I almost lost him. Not because of a bullet but because of **me**. Ha, typical. We had just come back from Pragia after destroying the hell-hold that had mutilated my childhood and I was...upset. The whole mission had brought up a vat of emotions that I hadn't thought about in **years**. And yet, there they were! Right in front of my face; taunting me to strike at them and knowing I couldn't. I fucking **hate** Cerberus...._

**_About 6 months ago...I think..._**

I knew he was coming to speak to me before I even saw the shadows of his shoes through the ceiling above me. I could hear his footsteps coming down the stairs to find the dragon in her "lair". I knew it was him too. His strides were different then the other idiots that usualy stalked around above me. Longer and faster then normal ones; like he could break into a sprint at any time. Always ready for the fight. I pushed further into the silence, letting the darkness swallow me whole. I _didn't_ want to talk to him. Partially because he annoyed the _shit_ out of me...and partially because I liked it. But mostly, I knew what he was here to say. I had been sulking, letting my emotions suck me into that dark hole where my heart should have been.

They say that doing something for 21 days makes it a habit, and seeing as this would be his 47th visit in a row...I guess I was considered _his_ habit. I didn't know how I felt about that. He asked to me about my past...or well, tried to. When I didn't answer, he would start in on his own history, dealing out a hand of cards as he spoke. His stories were always...harsh and bitter. Controlled emotion holding back every word, as if he had practiced the tales in the mirror every morning so he wouldn't lose control when he began. Mainly I would just sit there and scowl at him until he got up to leave. He always left smiling about something though, as if he had accomplished what he had come to do. _Fuck_ him.

"Jack?" he called out softly, as if trying to lure an animal from its hole. I heard his knuckles crack. I saw him walk into my room, craning his neck as he looked around for me. "Come on Jack, I know you're here." No shit _genius_. Where else would I be? "I need to talk to you." Screw that. I wasn't going to do what he said _just because _he was the fucking Commander of the ship. I quietly wiped my eyes clean of any remaining tears, feeling like a fucking whiney little bitch as I cried about my past.

I didn't reply.

"Come out Jack, _now_," he commander, his voice hissing with anger ever so slightly. That tickled me. I liked when I pissed him off, it meant that our perfect leader wasn't so perfect after all.

"Fine," I spat, stepping out of the shadows and crossing my arms. "What the fuck do _you_ want?" His gaze brushed over me and softened when our eyes connected. He reached out to touch my arm but I drew back, snarling at him.

"Have you been...crying?" he asked quietly. I mentally kicked myself for not having better composure before stepping out to face him.

"No," I growled through my teeth. He backed down defensively.

"Can we talk?" He gestured for me to sit down. The _nerve_ of this asshole. _Allowing_ me to sit down in my own god damned room. I clenched my fists, standing my ground.

"No," I said again. "Now go away." He just shook his head at me, taking a step towards me. I countered with my own backward step, eyeing him cautiously.

"Jack, you haven't been upstairs in a week. No one has seen from you in the Mess Hall, and it doesn't look like you've gotten much sleep either. Not talking, not eating, not even sleeping? I gave you your space because I figured that was the best thing: but I'm here now. So talk."

"Maybe I just don't wanna play nice with the other Cerberus drones----"

"I don't think that's it..." he interrupted. Silence followed that. We held a heated stare and his eyes burned into mine, smoldering me. I felt _exposed_. Like he could see right through me. I had to look away.

"I thought you _wanted_ me to behave," I sighed, trying to steer the conversation back into sadistic waters. He didn't bite.

"And maybe that's exactly what worries me. Since when have you listened to a single thing I've said?"

"Never."

"Exactly. So something like you sitting quietly in your room for a week, and me not hearing about you breaking a single thing or threatening a single person during that time has me worried. If this is about Pragia.........well, I know this is about it, but---" I flinched away from his words and he stopped. He knew it hurt to talk about, but he was going to make me. I _hated_ him. Hated him for trying to help me, or whatever the hell this intervention was. The facility was gone now; blown to fucking rubble. Shepard went with me as a favor to me, and I knew I needed him there. I felt a fmailiar sting at my eyes and I fought it violently. No! I wouldn't let him see me cry. I don't..._cry_.

"It's _over_ Shepard. You did me a favor and I'm thankful...but that's where it ends. I don't need a fucking shoulder to lean on or whatever other sympathetic shit you have planned. I told you that you have my full support now for when we go to the Omega 4 Relay---"

"I don't want you to be upset. If you're distracted, you could get hurt--" Of _course_. This was about his fucking mission. I knew he wasn't actually concerned for me, but it was fun to pretend. _Everyone_ always wanted something. He just wanted to make sure my head would be in the game when we went into battle. I was a liability to him, and nothing more.

"I wont be distracted for the mission," I hissed, turning on my heels to walk away. His hand found my shoulder, and I felt my body stiffen from the sudden contact. How did he get so close so fast?

"That's not what I'm concerned about. I _ know_ you'll do your part during the fight...but," he sucked in an unsteady breath, "I want to make _sure_ you're alright, not because of the mission, but because I care about---"

"Don't!" I snapped, slapping his hand off. "I'm not doing this with you." I turned away again to try and escape the growing fear that grasped my chest. His hand encircled my wrist and I turned sharply to throw my fist in his face. His hand was a blur as he caught my clenched hand, squeezing only enough to cause a slight discomfort. I tried to pull away but his grip tightened.

"Let go of me!" I spat, struggling against the iron clasps around my wrists. He didn't budge and I let a biotic blue form a sheath over my already inked skin.

"No," he said patiently, pulling at his own biotics until they flashed viciously, commanding respect.

"I said let go!" I sent a feild of energy at him, pushing him back. His vice grip on me pulled my body with him as he flew backwards. His arms encircled me quickly as we slammed into the wall, his body taking the blunt force of the impact. I heard the air rush from his lungs and he was still, finally letting his arms relax around me. I could have gotten up and stormed away, even turned around and finished him right then and there, but I didn't. I just let my head lie against his chest, the rediculious sobs taking over once more. They rocked my body angrily, sending rivers down my cheeks. I was crying stupidly, in front of a guy who I knew couldn't care about me. No one _really_ did. And yet he pulled me gently up his body, tucking my head under his chin. I felt an arm snake around my waist as another ran up and down the length of my backs exposed skin soothingly. I leaned into his touch, desperate for more as I cried.

"Shhh...Jack..." he breathed onto me skin, sending goosebumps alone my spine. I was a little girl again, huddled under my desk with my arms around my knees. There were no tattoos on my arms yet, only bruises and cuts from the experiments. I always felt so hollow while I cried. I _knew_ that tears meant sadness......but I couldn't _feel_ it anymore. I was numb from the tortures and the drugs. Confused and Alone. At least from being alone, I learned that it was a constant in my life. Something I could depend on. Not anymore...

Shepard kissed the top of my head, leaving his lips on my shaved scalp as he breathed softly. How _dare_ he ruin my security. The _only_ thing I had left in this universe that I could even half way trust. Of _course_ he would take it away. I pushed off him, scrambling to my feet and stumbling away from where he sat. He rose slowly, brushing himself off. There was blood on his forhead from the crash into the wall and I felt an uncommon pang of guilt when I saw it. The feeling was quickly deadened.

"Get, _away_, from me. Leave! I don't **_need_ you!" I practically shrieked, throwing a sloppy energy pulse at him. He stepped to the side, easily dodging it as he came towards me once more. "Stop! Don't come any closer!" He paused, now only a few feet away from me, and nodded. "_Please..._" I almost whined. He nodded again.**

**"Alright Jack..." he murmured. "I understand..." Something strange flashed across his features before being locked away once more before his calmly composed features. Pain? Or was that just defeat? He backed away with our eyes still locked before turning to slip out of view. There. It was done. Another thing I wanted pushed away. Wait..._wanted?_**

**I fell to my knees, more tears burning defiantly down my face. The hole in my chest returned and I curled up to try and fill it with myself. And I cried...... **


End file.
